Monday, January 16, 2017

I've Cried

I can remember every place I have cried
I can't always remember why
But I can always remember the place
On the bench outside the library
As the students passed me by
On their bikes and skateboards
Going to and from classes
Behind my work
Sitting on the concrete floor
Hugging my knees to my chest
Letting the tears hit the pavement
The people walked the other direction
In an empty room
With all the lights on
And the cold air making me shiver
With a phone pressed to my ear
In my bed
Covered by blankets
With the door locked
And the lights turned off
At my locker
In the school hallway
After being yelled at
And being late to class
There are thousands of others
Spots where the earth has soaked up my tears
It engulfed my pain
It swallowed me whole
And I let it
With each tear the earth took
I lost one
And with each tear
I became lighter
So while I cried
In very public places
I gave up some pain
Each time
I lost myself to the earth
And I became lighter

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Miles

With each passing mile
Each mile we lost
We grew closer
Closer to hell
Closer to the place I left
I hoped to never return
I hoped to turn my back to it
We drove to something
And away from something
With each mile I lost
I fell
Deep into a hole
The one I crawled out of
The one that held me captive
With each mile I lost
I grew a heavy heart
The one the held me down
The one that weighed a ton
With each mile I lost
I traveled further away
From the place that no one knew
From the place that kept me safe
With each mile I lost
I grew closer to hell
I grew closer to my captivity
I grew closer to him
With each mile I lost
He gained a mile
It was his way of taking things from me
Even now
He took things that weren't his
With each mile I lost
He took a mile
And 200 miles wasn't far enough

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Young Love

I've felt young love
The ache in your heart when someone doesn't love you in return
The longing for them to smile at you
To grasp onto any part of you
To want them to stay longer
To lose sleep for them
To bend over backwards for them
To hope they say hi to you today
To hope to see them today
I've felt young love
How it feels like a summer breeze
The warm air flowing around you
How it wraps you up in a hug 
Young love was a night at the lake
Or sitting at the end of the dock
Young love was never a missed call
And a text every morning
Young love was my hand in yours
And the movie that we went to see
Young love was driving down a pitch black road
You never knew where you were going
But some how you found your way
Young love was an adventure
And we were the explorers 
I've felt young love
It never quite felt like us
We felt like an old love
The one that has been brewing for ages
A love that brought us to the end of the dock
And felt like a fire at the lake 
I've felt young love
It wasn't all it was cracked up to be
It was ruthless
It was short
It was painful
It wasn't love
I've felt infatuation 
And it felt like I was holding onto you
It looked like the sunglasses you lost at the bottom of the lake
And it smelled like the coffee you made in the mornings
I've felt infatuation
And all I saw was your face

Friday, December 9, 2016

The Book

It was my high school story.  I left it in the summer for them to read.  A book for them to look at.  Read.  And understand perhaps.  Life was not all about them.  Look closely at the simple girl.  The one who always said hi to you.  She was watching the whole time.  She noticed when your turned you back on others.  She helped up the ones you pushed over.  I wrote this book for them.  For me.  For her.  The one who walked around the halls and did not say a word.  She was lonely inside and I knew it.  I gave her a new name and a new life.  She went on trips and fell in love.  I gave her the boy of her dreams and he loved her for every moment of it.  I killed her.  I let her die.  Only in the book so she wouldn't in real life.  I let the life slip through her hands in the lines that I wrote.  I watched as she struggled with all the things I did.  Then it came to me.  This book wasn't for her or them.  This book was for me.  This was my story should I let it live.  So I killed the girl.  And I got to live.

Friday, November 18, 2016

Lessons

Sometimes I think about what I have put up with.  The names I've been called.  The people who have laughed at me.  The things they have done to me.  The hurt they have caused me.  Sometimes I wonder if it was worth it.  Staying by those people.  Should I have walked away sooner?  Did they deserve my company.  Sometimes I think they needed me.  Like I gave them a lesson to learn.  I think like this because they taught me, in so many ways.  They were some of my best teachers.  But they were also some of my greatest mistakes.  Some taught me compassion through the names that they called me.  Because their lives were harder than mine.  Some taught me respect through the swollen palm mark they left on my face.  Because they new not of peace.  Some taught me forgiveness through arguments we had.  Because communication was always their issue.  Sometimes I think about what I have put up with.  I wonder if I deserved all of it.  The names they called me taught me self worth.  When they laughed they taught me compassion.  The things they did to me taught me forgiveness.  The hurt they caused me showed me that life goes on.  They all tore me down.  Watched as I fell into a black hole.  Now they get to watch me do the impossible.  They get to see me climb out of that hole and make a new life without them.  Sometimes I think about what I have put up with and I wonder how I lived like that for so long.  How the hurt never caught up to me sooner.  How I didn't say something when something needed to be said.  The things they did and the words they said might have tore me down and they might have hindered my happiness but they taught me lessons.  And I never seemed to learn lessons the easy way.  I have had roughness forced upon me in all aspects of life.  And I have overcome it every time.  So when I think about what I have put up with I know that I was all in serves of some lesson.  Sometimes I think about what I have put up with and I resent it but most times I surrender myself to the lesson and I overcome.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Concrete

I found myself on the floor again
Beaten, battered, and bruised
Holding on to anything I could grasp
I was lying 
Back against the concrete
Hoping that someone
Would either help me up
Or run me over
They cut me down like a tree
A piece of nature that could be removed
A vine the climbed the side of buildings
Torn down 
Plucked and pruned
Made into something new
A shape that no one knew
Thats when the rain came
Pouring down on the body lying on the floor
It touched every part of her
It tried to wash away the dust
It only made mud
A dirt that latched onto her
She felt dirty
She felt impure
She felt the rain on her face
And the concrete on her back
Arms open wide
Eyes closed
She waited for the sun
She waited for the snow 
To either dry her
Or cover her
I waited until the night covered the sky
I could see the stars shining 
I could hear the silence
I could hear the human noise the people made
They walked by the girl lying on the floor
They made sure she was breathing
Then they kept on walking
The slightest heartbeat
And breath coming from her lips
And they left her
Lying on the concrete
With her heart beating out of her chest
The rain falling on her face
And the stars shining down on her
She stayed like that for too long
She picked herself up
Dusted herself off
Put a smile on her face
And walked on with all the other people 

Friday, November 4, 2016

A Gift

Here it's a gift for you
I grew it myself
It has been nurtured by me
I've tended to it well
But he planted the seed
Here it's a gift for you
I've protected it well
Kept it as safe as can be
But others have cut it down
So I built walls
And barriers
To keep them out
So that they wouldn't hurt it
But they just knocked down those walls
And cut down the tree
Here it's a gift for you
I watered it every day
Made sure it saw the sun
And let it dance in the rain
Here it's a gift for you
I hope you keep it safe
Let it be wild and free
But hold it close
So it wont run away
Here it's a gift for you
It's quite rare
Very little have had it
And non have kept it
Here it's a gift for you
If you choose to accept
Let it fill your heart
And love it at its best
But most of all
Love it at its worst
Because its not always pretty 
But it will always be yours
Here it's a gift for you
I grew it myself
Kept it safe
And let it live
Here it's a gift for you
And its the heart in my chest