Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Young Love

I've felt young love
The ache in your heart when someone doesn't love you in return
The longing for them to smile at you
To grasp onto any part of you
To want them to stay longer
To lose sleep for them
To bend over backwards for them
To hope they say hi to you today
To hope to see them today
I've felt young love
How it feels like a summer breeze
The warm air flowing around you
How it wraps you up in a hug 
Young love was a night at the lake
Or sitting at the end of the dock
Young love was never a missed call
And a text every morning
Young love was my hand in yours
And the movie that we went to see
Young love was driving down a pitch black road
You never knew where you were going
But some how you found your way
Young love was an adventure
And we were the explorers 
I've felt young love
It never quite felt like us
We felt like an old love
The one that has been brewing for ages
A love that brought us to the end of the dock
And felt like a fire at the lake 
I've felt young love
It wasn't all it was cracked up to be
It was ruthless
It was short
It was painful
It wasn't love
I've felt infatuation 
And it felt like I was holding onto you
It looked like the sunglasses you lost at the bottom of the lake
And it smelled like the coffee you made in the mornings
I've felt infatuation
And all I saw was your face

Friday, December 9, 2016

The Book

It was my high school story.  I left it in the summer for them to read.  A book for them to look at.  Read.  And understand perhaps.  Life was not all about them.  Look closely at the simple girl.  The one who always said hi to you.  She was watching the whole time.  She noticed when your turned you back on others.  She helped up the ones you pushed over.  I wrote this book for them.  For me.  For her.  The one who walked around the halls and did not say a word.  She was lonely inside and I knew it.  I gave her a new name and a new life.  She went on trips and fell in love.  I gave her the boy of her dreams and he loved her for every moment of it.  I killed her.  I let her die.  Only in the book so she wouldn't in real life.  I let the life slip through her hands in the lines that I wrote.  I watched as she struggled with all the things I did.  Then it came to me.  This book wasn't for her or them.  This book was for me.  This was my story should I let it live.  So I killed the girl.  And I got to live.

Friday, November 18, 2016

Lessons

Sometimes I think about what I have put up with.  The names I've been called.  The people who have laughed at me.  The things they have done to me.  The hurt they have caused me.  Sometimes I wonder if it was worth it.  Staying by those people.  Should I have walked away sooner?  Did they deserve my company.  Sometimes I think they needed me.  Like I gave them a lesson to learn.  I think like this because they taught me, in so many ways.  They were some of my best teachers.  But they were also some of my greatest mistakes.  Some taught me compassion through the names that they called me.  Because their lives were harder than mine.  Some taught me respect through the swollen palm mark they left on my face.  Because they new not of peace.  Some taught me forgiveness through arguments we had.  Because communication was always their issue.  Sometimes I think about what I have put up with.  I wonder if I deserved all of it.  The names they called me taught me self worth.  When they laughed they taught me compassion.  The things they did to me taught me forgiveness.  The hurt they caused me showed me that life goes on.  They all tore me down.  Watched as I fell into a black hole.  Now they get to watch me do the impossible.  They get to see me climb out of that hole and make a new life without them.  Sometimes I think about what I have put up with and I wonder how I lived like that for so long.  How the hurt never caught up to me sooner.  How I didn't say something when something needed to be said.  The things they did and the words they said might have tore me down and they might have hindered my happiness but they taught me lessons.  And I never seemed to learn lessons the easy way.  I have had roughness forced upon me in all aspects of life.  And I have overcome it every time.  So when I think about what I have put up with I know that I was all in serves of some lesson.  Sometimes I think about what I have put up with and I resent it but most times I surrender myself to the lesson and I overcome.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Concrete

I found myself on the floor again
Beaten, battered, and bruised
Holding on to anything I could grasp
I was lying 
Back against the concrete
Hoping that someone
Would either help me up
Or run me over
They cut me down like a tree
A piece of nature that could be removed
A vine the climbed the side of buildings
Torn down 
Plucked and pruned
Made into something new
A shape that no one knew
Thats when the rain came
Pouring down on the body lying on the floor
It touched every part of her
It tried to wash away the dust
It only made mud
A dirt that latched onto her
She felt dirty
She felt impure
She felt the rain on her face
And the concrete on her back
Arms open wide
Eyes closed
She waited for the sun
She waited for the snow 
To either dry her
Or cover her
I waited until the night covered the sky
I could see the stars shining 
I could hear the silence
I could hear the human noise the people made
They walked by the girl lying on the floor
They made sure she was breathing
Then they kept on walking
The slightest heartbeat
And breath coming from her lips
And they left her
Lying on the concrete
With her heart beating out of her chest
The rain falling on her face
And the stars shining down on her
She stayed like that for too long
She picked herself up
Dusted herself off
Put a smile on her face
And walked on with all the other people 

Friday, November 4, 2016

A Gift

Here it's a gift for you
I grew it myself
It has been nurtured by me
I've tended to it well
But he planted the seed
Here it's a gift for you
I've protected it well
Kept it as safe as can be
But others have cut it down
So I built walls
And barriers
To keep them out
So that they wouldn't hurt it
But they just knocked down those walls
And cut down the tree
Here it's a gift for you
I watered it every day
Made sure it saw the sun
And let it dance in the rain
Here it's a gift for you
I hope you keep it safe
Let it be wild and free
But hold it close
So it wont run away
Here it's a gift for you
It's quite rare
Very little have had it
And non have kept it
Here it's a gift for you
If you choose to accept
Let it fill your heart
And love it at its best
But most of all
Love it at its worst
Because its not always pretty 
But it will always be yours
Here it's a gift for you
I grew it myself
Kept it safe
And let it live
Here it's a gift for you
And its the heart in my chest

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Today

I can't do this today
Nothing went right today
I can't breath today
The world stopped spinning today
The air got thicker today
The sun didn't shine today
I wanted to stay home today
Shouldn't have gotten out of bed today
Held my mother a little closer today
Cried a little less today
Watch the sun never rise today
Hold his hand a little more today
It smelled of lavender a little more today
Watched the clock all day today
Had a countdown all day today
Wished it wasn't today
Hoped it wasn't today
It was today
Today
I can't do this today
Everything hurt today
Nothing worked today
I was tired today
This day was today
It came around every year today
And today
It was hard today
And today
sometimes felt like everyday
But today
Would be over
Then it would no longer be today
So maybe I can get through today
But today could only be
Just today

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Broken Heart or Broken Girl

This was more than just a case of a broken heart.  This was the story of a girl with a broken mind.  She was not just eighteen.  Bright eyed and hoping for a miracle.  She didn't wear flower crowns and dance in a field.  She didn't sing songs about love.  She was looking eighteen yet acting twenty.  Dark eyes and stopped believing in miracles.  She wore black and danced in night clubs.  She listened to songs that reminded her of truth.  She was not young and naive.  She had a grasp on reality.  She did not pretend to be ignorant.  She left young and naive at home so she could work.  She saw reality in too many lights.  She knew ignorance was not bliss so she was never blissful.  She could not harm others.  She hoped that things would turn out alright.  She knew how to stand up for herself.  She knew she would survive without a happy ending.  This was never the story of a broken heart.  This was the story of a broken girl.  Who used to dance in fields with flowers and sing songs that sounded of love.  The girl who now sat in dark rooms and listened to music to set the mood.  So the next time you think this is a case of young love gone wrong; look again because you might find the girl who saw the truth.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Stitched Together

Maybe if I put these words down
You will hear
The desperation in my voice
Maybe you will notice that I'm tired
Perhaps you could understand
I am trying to piece myself back together
And I never expect you to sympathize
This has never happened to you
I've had to stitch myself back together 
It has been taking years
Maybe if I put these words down 
You will hear
The hurt in my voice
When I feel small 
And unimportant 
I've found pieces of me on subway tracks
And between the sheets of my bed
I've found them in places they never should have been
Maybe if I put these words down
You will hear
The anxiety in my voice
The shaky tone I have when I speak
Or the laugh that covers the tears
I've cried in cities I don't know
In rooms that are not my own
Maybe if I put these words down
I will be okay
The desperation, the hurt, and the anxiety
Will fade away
Maybe I will be able to find the pieces of me
Stitch them back together
Maybe I will resemble myself
But you have to hear my voice first
You have to understand my needs
Maybe if I put these words down 
You will hear
And maybe you will listen
But mostly
Maybe if I put these words down
I will find other pieces of me
That have gone missing 
Waiting to be stitched together again
And maybe this is the new me
Pieces missing
Stitched together
Hoping to somewhat resemble a person
Who used to look like me

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Sunday

3:00pm
Cold coffee in a mug
Music streaming through the headphones
And a silent room around me
This was what Sunday felt like
Sunday was cold room
Wrapped in a blanket
Comfy chairs
Sunday held me close
Like a friend that I hadn't seen in a while
The cold coffee reminded me of a cold winters day
This music took me back to road trips
3:00pm on a Sunday was made for only a few
While the rest slept 
And took comfort in their beds
I took comfort with a book 
In a world I had just traveled to
3:00pm on a Sunday was for movies and popcorn
Or a quite cafe with mood music
I found solace in the quite room
With the music in my head
And these words on this page
And the cold coffee in my mug
3:00pm
Sunday was always the day that gave me hope
Sunday was my day to remember
Sunday was my day
And today 
You felt like Sunday

Friday, October 28, 2016

Blank Pages

I've hovered over these keys for far too long 
My pen leaving the pages clean
I have not left any part of me behind recently
It just seems to strange
The keys on my computer have been defying me
My pen has not been a friend
And my journal has stayed clean for a while
This happened from time to time
The world seemed to fall apart around me
And my writing disappeared
The words on my computer were not my own
They came from me but looked nothing like they should
The clean pages of my journal haunted me
Staring me right in the eye
And even this 
This sad excuse of a poem
This was my lack of creativity on a page
I left it here to hold down the fort
While I search for the ideas that I lost
So for now 
Here is this page of words that disappoint
I'll let my hands hover over the keys for while longer
And I'll stare at a blank page 
And maybe then it wont be so plain anymore

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Part of Me

Part of me wishes you would break my heart.  To remind me that this is why I don't let people in. Not that I have told you anything.  Part of me wished that you would give me a reason to hate you.  So that I wouldn't hate myself for liking you.  Part of me wishes that you would tell me to leave.  So I wouldn't feel guilty walking away.  Turning my head back slightly to see your face once more.  Part of me wishes that you make me cry.  Instead of smile when I hear your name.  So that I could remember how much a name can hurt. Part of me wishes that you never came around.  So that I would know how it felt to be shunned.  Part of me wished that you would hurt me.  Yell at me.  Curse me with every word you know would hurt me.  So that I wasn't ignorant of pain again.  But Part of me also wished that you would hold my hand.  So that I would remember what it felt like to touch another human.  Part of me wished that you would kiss me.  It's been so long.  To remember that compassion still exists.  Part of me wishes that you would love me.  So that I wasn't alone all the time.  So that you could teach me to love again.  Part of me wishes that you would hold me.  To remind me that everything would be okay as long as I was in your arms.  Part of me wishes you would break my heart and part of me wishes that you would fix it.  And somehow both of those parts were in the same place.  Hidden under the dust of past heartache and past love. 

Thursday, October 20, 2016

This Time of Year

The world was weighted on my chest
My heart felt heavy
This time of year was always hard
When your face was on every person that walked by
I flinched a little more this time of year
I cried a little more this time of year
I felt the weight of ten thousand bricks 
And they all landed on me
I carried around more emotional baggage this time of year
People stopped and stared more this time of year
The changing leaves reminded me of dead trees
And the fall breeze that was blowing through my hair
I wore different clothes this time of year
To hide what was really inside
I was paranoid more this time of year
My eyes in the back of my head
Watching who was following me
I was scared more this time of year
Every hand on my shoulder was yours
And the wind on my neck 
It was your breath running down my spine
My heart rate increased this time of year
Palpitations pulsing through everything 
I held my heart a little closer this time of year
Because it was beaten and bruised and rough around the edges
When I saw your face on every person that walked by
I never left the house this time of year
And even there
My clothes felt of you
My room smelled of you
And my home was no longer safe because of you
This time of year haunted like the death
Ticking away the seconds until the break down
Would she survive this time of year again
Or would the beast consumer her
Like it did for the past three years
 

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Reality

I was never based in reality
I always seemed to be living in dreams
Living in worlds created in my mind
Hoping that one day one of them would be real
I never liked reality
Harsh deadlines
Time just ticking away
Reality didn't suit me
I found solace in the imagination
In the made up
My friends had names that I created
Pieces of me in their personalities
I thrived in reality
I found my excellence in the unknown
The worlds I created
I was the ruler and I could change anything with the stroke of a pen
I was never based in reality
Sure you might see me standing in front of you
But my mind was living a different life
Under a different name
With different problems
And different loves
This alternate reality was what I always wanted
But what never seem to come 

Monday, October 17, 2016

Ask Me

Maybe I'll tell you one day.  Perhaps you will get to know.  Maybe one day I'll tell you the inner workings of me.  You could be privy to the secrets that I hid.  You might understand when I cringe at certain words.  Or why I dont like it when people are out of their mind.  You might understand why this time of year the world stops and moves in slow motion.  Perhaps you will ask me to enlighten you one day.  Maybe you will be curious.  Do you want to know why I act the way I do?  Do you want to understand who I am?  Maybe I'll tell you one day.  Maybe one day you will ask.  But until one day comes a secret I will be.  A void of mysteries.  

Friday, October 14, 2016

I've loved you

I've loved you before
I know exactly who you are
I've seen your tricks and your ways
The sly maneuvers that you use
I know the ins and outs of your game
I've mastered you
I wrote the manual on how to read you
I've love you before
Although you take a different shape
This skin is uncharted territory
Your eyes are a new pool of color to look into
Your face, while familiar, is completely unknown
You have different habits
You listen to different songs
I've loved you before
While you are completely different
I know exactly who you are
I've seen people like you
I've been hurt by people like you
I can point people like you out in a crowd
People like you look like and angel
But slither like a snake
You know how to wind people like me up
Get people like me wrapped around your finger
I've loved you before
But you weren't you
You were someone else
The boy with jet black hair 
And a wandering eye
I've loved you before
And I swore I would never do it again

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Petty Games

These petty games of he said she said were all too much for me.  It was not my relationship.  It was never my relationship.  So how the communication if it fell on me was beyond belief.  I don't care what you find to be the truth.  I don't care what he said.  All I care is that I am left out of the middle.  But that was never the case.  Somehow I was always standing in the middle of the battlegrounds.  With all the ammunition surrounding me.  I was the white flag the was waving in the wind.  Begging both armies to please hold their fire.  I was not equipped to fight this war.  However it seemed that I had been enlisted 18 years ago.  Put on the front lines.  Told to shout orders and make decisions.  This was war they were fighting before I joined the force.  Petty games of mixed up twenty year olds turned into the war of child soldiers.  And I was the general of each side and Switzerland at the same time.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Incertitude

Un jour vous vous reveillez et comprendre pourquoi vous avez rencontre.  Cela n'a jamis ete destine a etre compris et meme si c'etait stressant J'ai pris dans ce confort.  Pourquoi ont-ils ete places la ou ils sont.  Ces evenements se sont produits et je ne sais pas pourquoi.  J'ai ete blesse et je ne sais pas comment proceder.  Pourquoi a 3e novembre sur mon corps.  Pourquoi a-t-il ete 3e novembre pour trois ans.  Et n'importe quel autre point dans le temps existent.  Est-ce que je le voir sourire a nouveau?  Ce sont les choses qui planent comme des nauges de pluie au-dessus de ma tete.  Un jour, le ciel s'ouvrir et a dire, ici il est, vous avez attendu assez longtemps.  Il a ete l'incertitude le me tuer.  Sachant que je ne sais pas jusqu'a ce que je sais.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Heartless

They say I'm heartless
They say I'm mean
I've learned to ignore it
It's been happening for years
They say I'm heartless
But yet there I am
Worrying over the sick
Aiding to the poor
Hoping for those who have lost theirs
Giving to those who have taken from me
Loving those who have hurt me
They say I'm mean
But still I cry when they do
I hurt when they do
I suffer as they do
I feel the burden of the human condition
In the same way thy do
They say I'm heartless
They say I'm mean
But this exterior wall
It's only for decoration
It's only for protection
I built it to keep people out
But to keep me in
Now here I stand with a sledgehammer in hand
Waiting to knock that wall down
They say I'm heartless
They say I'm mean
But somehow I think you would be too
If you were me

Friday, October 7, 2016

The Phone Call

I called him today.  I didn't want to talk to him but I called anyway.  This wasn't supposed to end in tears.  But these things always did.  I called him today.  He sounded the same to me.  He sounded like a warm cup of coffee.  I called him today.  I had a problem and maybe he could fix it.  He was normally the one causing my problems.  I called him today.  And he told me that everything wasn't alright.  He told me that he used to try.  I called him today.  I had to explain my life to him.  I told him that I was holding everything together.  I called him today.  And he answered the phone.  He said it was a surprise.  I called him today because he never called me.  I left him a novel on my life and he never called.  He now knew what happened on November 3rd and every day after that.  I called him today and I told him everything he never wanted to hear but everything that he needed to hear.  I called him today.  And for once I walked away with out feeling like a little girl again.  Whose cheek was red and whose eyes were flowing with tears.  I called him today.  I was still afraid.  I am still shaking.  But I called him today and I gained a little confidence.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Unqualified

They said you're too young
That I wouldn't understand these things
That their conversations would not be relevant
As if I knew nothing
As if I was a child
They said you're too young
You don't understand life yet
You've not lived enough
The world has not had time to mold you into anything yet
They said you're too young
You won't understand my reference
You've not see the things I've seen
You've not enjoyed the things I've enjoyed
They said you're too young
You don't know love
You don't know how to value someone else
You couldn't have loved another human yet
They said you're too young
You don't know pain
To have something taken from you
To be hurt in every way possible
To be lost and confused
They said you're too young 
They told me this because they thought they knew my life
The people who don't know at all
I've not told you the things I've seen
I've not told you the things that have happened
The times when I was alone
The times when I was lost
The times when I was in love
The times when I was hurt
They said you're too young
They thought they knew who I was
They had no clue
They said you're too young
And I said
I'm too young to have seen what I have seen 
To done the things I have done
To love the way I have loved
To hurt the way I have hurt
To lived the way I have lived
But I've done it
And I've lived it
And I've survived it
So I may been too young 
But I am not unqualified 

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Music Notes

When I look at you I see music notes
I hear every melody that gave me the chills
I can see the sheet music printed on your tee shirt
I hear the voices that carry a tune
I see you playing the piano in the corner of the room
I hear lyrics that are all too perfect
I see people dancing
In the middle of a ballroom
One spotlight
One couple
And they sway back and forth
Humming this song to each other
When I look into your eyes I can hear that song you showed me
I can almost taste the lyrics
And if by chance our skin meets
I am taken to a concert
In a stadium all alone
And I can hear that song 
The band on the stage is our favorite 
And we sing along to every song
Because we know every lyric
When I look at you I see music notes
I can hear the trumpet playing in my favorite song
When I look at you I hear a woman singing in french
I hear melodies that send chills down my spine
When I look at you every song that I ever loved plays on repeat
I know every lyric to this song
And I can hear it every time I look at you

Monday, October 3, 2016

For You

They always wonder, who?
These words that she wrote
Who were they for
Did this string of syllables belong to her
Did it belong to the boy down the hall
Did it belong to the girl on the street
Did it belong to him
Or did it belong to her
It was the mystery around her
They were all wrong
They would never know who these words were for
Because an artist doesn't reveal their subject
My muse was hidden the bushes far away
The inspiration was a masked figure that followed me around
These words were not meant to be found out
They were there to take away the pain
For them and for me
These words that she wrote 
They were always for someone
And that someone was you

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Dreams

The dreams have started again
I knew it was bad when the dreams started
I could see you 
But I couldn't touch you
I was constantly reaching out to feel you
But you slipped through my fingers every time
In the dreams it was all real
In the dreams I could smell your cologne
In the dreams I could see your smile
In the dreams I could touch your tee shirt
In the dreams I could feel your lips
I knew it was bad when the dreams started 
I knew I was in trouble
In the dreams it was all real
But when I woke in the morning
After the dream you disappeared
I was left with a whole
A question
Was it real
Or had the dreams returned
The dreams gave a false sense of hope
The dreams meant you could see me too
The dreams gave me desire
The dreams caused me pain
The dreams have started again
And I couldn't touch you
But I could see you
So maybe it wasn't a dream

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Silent Tears

You've made me cry
I've always hated the silent tears
The times when you are completely and utterly alone
And there I was in the down poor of rain
Wind sweeping through my hair
And I relied on the wind to dry my tear because I knew you wouldn't
The silent tears were always the worst
When you were in so much pain that noise wasn't possible
All you could feel was your heart
How it ached and how it cried out but no one could hear it
The tears would always over power any noise to be made
I sat in the rain so I could hear the noise the water made
As it hit the ground and created puddles
I found solace in the rain 
I guess its because it reminded me that the sky had to cry too
That I wasn't alone in my ache
That my pain could be taken away by the falling drops
The rain was always a friend
The rain took away the silence of the tears


Thursday, September 29, 2016

Impermanence

I watched as they all gave hugs to the boy who they thought would never leave.  And I couldn't judge them because I said permanent words too.  It showed me that this could be it.  Don't take for granted the time you have with someone.  Because one day they are giving you a hug that you desperately need and then then next you are watching them fly away.  They were all nice to him in the days leading up to the departure.  No more sassy comments to be made.  They hugged him a little tighter and called him by his full name.  In the hours leading up they all tried to act normal.  Laughing at things they would always laugh at.  Doing things they would normally do.  They tried so hard to make these moments as normal as possible, but that was difficult to do with a ticking time bomb in the background.  Life messed with you like this.  You try to hold onto something good and pure and then the universe flips you upside down.  It takes people like this to show you.  To remind you of the impermanence of life.  Nothing will stay the same.  We change from second to second while we are trying to hold onto the things and the people we think will be there for awhile.  I had to watch the boy drive off to an airport.  To get on a plane that would take him away from our normal.  I watched as tears threatened my eyes, as they have been since he told me.  I gave him one last hug so that I would remember what it felt like to be valued and comforted.  Then he drove off, and I wrote this for him.  Because he flipped reality on its side for me once again.  Because he reminded me that to be happy is the ultimate goal, no matter the cost.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Old Friend

Hello old friend
How are you
Where have you been,
I would say that I missed you but I stopped lying to myself once you left.  The truth is I've been fine without you.  You don't need to hold my hand.  I'm all grown up now.  Old friend, why did you come back?  Did you not like the dark waste land I banished you to?  I understand, I didn't like it too.  But old friend, I don't live their now, that was back then.  I've found my place in the metaphorical sun among rain clouds and thunderstorms. Old friend, you never liked it here, you should have never come.  I RSVP no plus one to this train ride into the sun.  Old friend, you must go home, I've already won.  This is my home now, so why did you come? I sent you packing when I too packed my bags.  Old friend, why did you follow me?  I'm finding my place in the spot light and you are clouding the sun.  Old friend, I told you I don't miss you, so please take the red eye and be gone.  
Hello old friend
How are you
Where have you been,
I would say that I missed you but I stopped lying to myself once you left.  But your all too familiar embrace makes me question my motives.  Your simple grin can wash away my confidence in one tide.  Your hands felt too strong to hold me up but better used to rip me down.  Old friend, your laugh reminds me of my tears.  I can't recall the last time I felt so at home.  Old friend, I'm sad to say sometimes I miss your company.  
Hello old friend
How are you 
Where have you been
Sincerely,
Your loyal indentured servant

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Tell The People

Let them see what I have seen
Let them know the side of injustice 
Tell the people that I am waiting for them
Tell the people that I require their work
Let them see what I have seen
Let them know what heartbreak feels like
Tell the people that I am waiting for them
Tell the people that this is inevitable
Let them see what I have seen 
Let them hold onto pain as I have
Tell the people that I am waiting for them
Tell the people that suffering is required
Let them see what I have seen
Let them know what it feels like
Tell the people that I am waiting for them
Tell the people that the mans hands feel like steel
Let them see what I have seen
Let them know that he has been here
Tell the people that I am waiting for them
Tell the people that he doesn't fight fair
Let them see what I have seen
Let them know the side of injustice
Tell the people that I am waiting for them
Tell the people that they are being called to action
Let them see what I have seen
Let them know that this is not the end
Tell the people that I am waiting for them
Tell the people that this is not the end
Let them see what I have seen
Let them know this fight will never end
Tell the people that I am waiting for them

Saturday, September 24, 2016

This Day

Hi,
It's me again
We haven't met
Or maybe we have
Where ever you are, hi
I hope that the sun is shining for you today
I hope the sky is blue
I hope that you can see the white clouds in the sky
Or if you are like me
I hope the clouds have covered the sky
I hope the world is in grey today
I hope that the earth smells of rain
I hope that you woke up with a smile on your face
I'm sure your smile is beautiful
I can't wait to lose myself in your smile
I hope that you have people who love you
I hope that they make you laugh
I'm sure that your laugh is beautiful 
I hope that you are confident
I hope that you love your body
I'm sure you look perfect
I hope that you love life
I hope that you love your mind
I'm sure you have the most amazing thoughts
I hope that you woke up to the smell of coffee
I hope that you started the day off right
I'm sure that your life is great
Where ever you are, hi
This day is beautiful for both of us
I don't know where you are in the world
What you look like
Who you are
But I know this day is for us
On this day I will remember you
I will remember the boy I've not yet met
I will remember writing this for you
I will remember the music I listened to
I will remember the clothes I wore
I will remember how it felt
On this day I will remember you
Wether I have met you or not
Where ever you are, hi
I hope this day is beautiful 
For both of us

Friday, September 23, 2016

I Remember

I don't remember that night
But I still feel everything you did
I didn't know what to say
But I remember giving it a name
I can't remember what happened
But I know what followed
I don't remember that night
But I remember the pizza I had for dinner
Or the show that was on the TV
I didn't know what to say
But I remember calling you names
I remember the names they called me
I can't remember what happened
But I remember how it felt
To have you breathing down my spine
I don't remember that night
But I remember the way your hands felt on my waist
I didn't know what to say
But I remember being completely quiet
I can't remember what happened
But I remember how it ended
I might not remember that night
But I do remember the bruises on my hips
I remember rushing to the drug store
I remember crying for eight months straight
I remember the voices
I remember the words
I remember the knife and how it felt on my skin
I don't remember that night
But how could I not
That night was carved in history 
A night I would continue to commemorate 
The night when I was taken from me



Thursday, September 22, 2016

Packages

You called me again today
For the first time in two months
You called me so I could hear your voice
So I didn't forget
But I didn't answer the phone
You sent me a picture today
For the first time in two months
You sent me a pictures so I could remember what you looked like
So I looked at the picture
And I felt anxiety
You sent me a text to day
For the first time in two months
You sent me a text so I remember what you talked like
I read the text
But I never responded
You sent me a piece of hope today
Covered in anxiety and doubt
And you placed in an envelope and sent it to me
A first class package headed straight for my doorstep
You sent me a piece of your heart every time we talked
But it was always a package I never wanted
At least not anymore

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Is It Beautiful?

They always made it sound like it was nothing.  They almost made it sound beautiful.  Like it meant nothing to say it.  To them it was nothing more than a word.  An effortless string of sounds put together.  How I envied them sometimes.  It could never be just a word to me.  That string of sounds put together never carried so much weight.  I could never just say that word without feeling an all too familiar pile of bricks being dropped on me.  Those sounds put together could take me back to a place that felt like a hotel bed in the city.  That word smelled like your cologne.  Those sounds looked like a white tee shirt.  They always made it sound like it was nothing.  But it could never be nothing when it held a part of you captive.  They almost made it sound beautiful.  Would it be beautiful if it swallowed you alive? Because that's what it did to me.  Now here I sit, at the bottom of the belly of the beast.  Waiting to be released.  But by all means, please say that word again.  It's not like those sounds put together landed me here or anything.

Monday, September 19, 2016

The Chatter

There was always chatter.  It filled air around me constantly.  I could always hear their voices.  They talked of silly things.  They spoke in silly tones.  And they heard silly things.  I heard the chatter in the silence of a still lake.  When not a pebble could disturb the water.  I heard the chatter in a train station.  When no one knew who was talking.  I heard the chatter in the dull low rumble of a thunder storm.  When the noise sparked the sky to cry.  But mostly I heard the chatter in my head.  And mostly I head your voice.  The chatter always telling me things and contradicting them in the same breath.  The chatter always sounded like you.  Maybe that's why I loved silence.  So I could tune out your voice.  So I couldn't hear the sounds you made.   Because I will always remember the sounds.  And I will always remember the chatter.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Silence

I've listened to the silent seconds pass since six in the morning.  I've seen the sun rise with the birth of a new day. I've heard the birds chirp their first sounds each day.  I've seen the empty land before its over run by people.  I've smelt the first cup of coffee being made.  I've see the first sign of clouds in the sky.  I've felt the heat rise from the earth.  I've stood in the silent seconds of the day.  When people don't talk.  When people move in slow motion.  When everything blends together in one abstract watercolor painting.  I've seen the differences from day to day.  I've taken note of the obvious changes.  I've stood in the silent seconds.  Watching the people pass by.  Only making the human noise.  I've lived in the silent seconds because they were always there, like a constant reminder to breathe.  That nothing can't be fixed with a few deep breaths and a few silent seconds.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Dark Places

In the deep dark places of me 
You will find cobwebs
It will creek when you step on the old floor boards
In the deep dark places
You will find monsters in the closet
The ones with red eyes and sharp teeth
In the deep dark places
You will find people lurking in the corners
Waiting to jump out and scare you
In the deep dark places
It is a cold as ice
No one could ever live there
In the deep dark places of me
There is a haunted house
Where the devil likes to play
There is a musky smell to the air
And the lights flicker on and off
In the deep dark places of me
People don't know what they will find
But every now and then
Someone will dust off the cobwebs
Fix the lights
And see the true beauty of the house
In the deep dark places of me
People don't often reach it
They often stop at the front door

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Smile

You had a smile that felt like the rain.  With each passing second it would hit me again.  You had a smile that smelled like the forest.  Fresh and crisp with a beautiful view.  You had a smile that looked like the fall.  Like freshly fallen leaves and a cool breeze.  You had a smile that reminded me of home.  Like I had seen it a million time before and each time I knew I was safe.  You had a smile that felt like a warm embrace.  It smelled like your cologne and it lingered for just the right amount of time.  You had a smile that looked nothing like the rain.  It was never dreary or down.  It was always as bright as the sun.  You had a smile that took me back to late at night.  When the moon was high above and the clouds had disappeared.  You had a smile that felt like October but looked like July.  Your smile was the brightest star in the night sky.  But the night was always dark.  Maybe that's why I always lost you to the day.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Wandering Eyes

They say they can see it in your eyes.  The way you look at me when I can't see.  When our eyes meet like they have a million times before.  I don't understand.  They say that I'm not alone.  That his eyes follow me across the room.  I don't understand.  When we laugh and dance to songs we all know.  I can see your smile lighting up the world.  I don't understand.  They say they can see it in your eye.  But I've looked a thousand times only to see the blue orbs that swim with the sea.  They say you look at me when I can't see.  But I've looked away a thousand times and you are never looking back at me.

Monday, September 12, 2016

One Look

When sunflowers cry golden rays of life.  I'll be standing by your side.  In a field of tall green grass.  My hair will blow through the wind and you will watch me.  Wondering how lucky you are.  And I will hold your hand.  Knowing that I will never let you go.  Birds will chirp away the sad days.  And butterflies will follow us through the grass.  We wont speak but we will know what each other is thinking.  We will dance in the silence of a field.  When the sky bleeds beautiful blue waterfalls.  I will hold your hand and you will watch me as we both say I love you with just one look.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

I had to say no
I had to force the words out of my mouth
I chocked on them every time
They tasted of you
My lips felt the same as they did that night
I had to say no 
I had to push you away
I couldn't do that before
My arms felt too weak
I had to say no
I had to turn away
His lips felt like yours
They burned on my skin just the same
I had to say no
I hated every moment of it
I chocked on each word
I pushed with weak arms
I had to feel your lips again
I had to say no
You made saying no hard
You made saying no taste like acid
Like cold coffee
Like cigarettes
You made saying no harder than it used to be