Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Sunday Nights

Three things happened on that Sunday night and none of them were holy.
First I realized that my relationship was over. That I didn't have to hide what I wanted from the world. I told my friend that he was a child I was a woman and I was not ready to be a mother to a bit older than me at the age 17. So that's that.
Second my rapist followed me on Instagram. Minding my own business doing some Sunday night homework, as you do, and I look down cause my phones flashing saying "hey girl look at this Malik is now following you on Instagram" like no thank you. He's followed me enough in my life that I don't need to see his sorry ass face anymore. So I had a panic attack, cried a little and went on with my night. 
Third I realized what I had already known. That I was in love. I was in love with the boy who was a man and treated me like a woman. I was in love with Parmesan garlic boneless chicken wings and his face when he ate them. I was in love with mainstream Justin beiber. But I knew all this already it was just a nice reminder after a long night.
My Sunday nights have never been holy 
because on my Sunday nights my world either fell apart or came together none of which was gods doing it was because I knew that Sunday's were my days to become in touch with who I was. On this Sunday night I first fell apart and kept falling until he helped me come together. Sunday's were the days when I knew I was in love.

The boy I loved in high school

To the boy I loved in high school 
First of all I hate you,
I hate you for leaving me dateless at the school dance that I wanted so badly to attend with you.
I hate you for making me break my faith to see you sing those church songs every Wednesday because I didn't believe in God but if you did I would strip myself of all my sins just to see the smile on your face when we heard that sermon.
I hate you for making me think that I would find someone just as good as you.

Second of all thank you,
Thank you for making my beaten and bruised heart feel like it could love again 
Thank you for always giving me a shoulder to cry on because you always cried on mine.
Thank you for standing up for what is right instead of backing down like all these other boys do.
Thank you for following your heart even if that didn't always mean that I was where your heart led you.
Thank you for showing me that not all boys are pigs out to get me.

Third of all I love you,
I love you for making me see the best in others when before I didn't care at all.
I love you for showing me how much a good laugh and some fun could change my whole day.
I love you because even when you broke my heart and left me in that floor length blue dress for the girl who was three year younger than you I still knew that you would come back to me because no matter what I had your back
I was your shoulder to cry on
I was your support system 
I was you best friend 
I was the girl who waited two year to admit to herself that she loved you but oh when she did, when she realized that she would love you for the rest of her life she held on to you and never let go because life without his smile was nothing she wanted to know. 
So to the boy who I loved in high school, maybe I'll tell you how I feel one day.