Monday, July 4, 2016

This Feeling

I've felt this before
This feeling of nothing
Of not knowing
Of having no control over your emotions
I thought this was over
But the consumption has returned
The dark rain cloud that covers my sky's has nestled in the crook of my neck again
Like a baby that I needed to comfort
Like a baby who would stop crying unless I sang sweet lullabies of deranged thoughts
I bore this child at the age of 15
Her bones were brittle and skin stained
The labor of bringing her into the world
She gave me this pain for 8 months
Held me captive in the bars of her crib
Cradled me in her blanker of despair
Let me drink from her poisoned bottle
Her cries kept me up at night
The need for attention always on her
But then I realized
The lullabies were just my thoughts
My bones had grown weak and blood stained my skin
The blankets were the sheets of my bed enclosing me in a hot mess
My poison dripped through the words of friends
My cries kept me up at night
I needed the attention
And the man who impregnated me with my depression was as absent as a father could be
The rain clouds came back sometimes
And my consumption greets me as an old friend once and a while
This won't end
This feeling of nothing
Of not knowing
I'll feel this again

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