Thursday, September 29, 2016

Impermanence

I watched as they all gave hugs to the boy who they thought would never leave.  And I couldn't judge them because I said permanent words too.  It showed me that this could be it.  Don't take for granted the time you have with someone.  Because one day they are giving you a hug that you desperately need and then then next you are watching them fly away.  They were all nice to him in the days leading up to the departure.  No more sassy comments to be made.  They hugged him a little tighter and called him by his full name.  In the hours leading up they all tried to act normal.  Laughing at things they would always laugh at.  Doing things they would normally do.  They tried so hard to make these moments as normal as possible, but that was difficult to do with a ticking time bomb in the background.  Life messed with you like this.  You try to hold onto something good and pure and then the universe flips you upside down.  It takes people like this to show you.  To remind you of the impermanence of life.  Nothing will stay the same.  We change from second to second while we are trying to hold onto the things and the people we think will be there for awhile.  I had to watch the boy drive off to an airport.  To get on a plane that would take him away from our normal.  I watched as tears threatened my eyes, as they have been since he told me.  I gave him one last hug so that I would remember what it felt like to be valued and comforted.  Then he drove off, and I wrote this for him.  Because he flipped reality on its side for me once again.  Because he reminded me that to be happy is the ultimate goal, no matter the cost.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Old Friend

Hello old friend
How are you
Where have you been,
I would say that I missed you but I stopped lying to myself once you left.  The truth is I've been fine without you.  You don't need to hold my hand.  I'm all grown up now.  Old friend, why did you come back?  Did you not like the dark waste land I banished you to?  I understand, I didn't like it too.  But old friend, I don't live their now, that was back then.  I've found my place in the metaphorical sun among rain clouds and thunderstorms. Old friend, you never liked it here, you should have never come.  I RSVP no plus one to this train ride into the sun.  Old friend, you must go home, I've already won.  This is my home now, so why did you come? I sent you packing when I too packed my bags.  Old friend, why did you follow me?  I'm finding my place in the spot light and you are clouding the sun.  Old friend, I told you I don't miss you, so please take the red eye and be gone.  
Hello old friend
How are you
Where have you been,
I would say that I missed you but I stopped lying to myself once you left.  But your all too familiar embrace makes me question my motives.  Your simple grin can wash away my confidence in one tide.  Your hands felt too strong to hold me up but better used to rip me down.  Old friend, your laugh reminds me of my tears.  I can't recall the last time I felt so at home.  Old friend, I'm sad to say sometimes I miss your company.  
Hello old friend
How are you 
Where have you been
Sincerely,
Your loyal indentured servant

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Tell The People

Let them see what I have seen
Let them know the side of injustice 
Tell the people that I am waiting for them
Tell the people that I require their work
Let them see what I have seen
Let them know what heartbreak feels like
Tell the people that I am waiting for them
Tell the people that this is inevitable
Let them see what I have seen 
Let them hold onto pain as I have
Tell the people that I am waiting for them
Tell the people that suffering is required
Let them see what I have seen
Let them know what it feels like
Tell the people that I am waiting for them
Tell the people that the mans hands feel like steel
Let them see what I have seen
Let them know that he has been here
Tell the people that I am waiting for them
Tell the people that he doesn't fight fair
Let them see what I have seen
Let them know the side of injustice
Tell the people that I am waiting for them
Tell the people that they are being called to action
Let them see what I have seen
Let them know that this is not the end
Tell the people that I am waiting for them
Tell the people that this is not the end
Let them see what I have seen
Let them know this fight will never end
Tell the people that I am waiting for them

Saturday, September 24, 2016

This Day

Hi,
It's me again
We haven't met
Or maybe we have
Where ever you are, hi
I hope that the sun is shining for you today
I hope the sky is blue
I hope that you can see the white clouds in the sky
Or if you are like me
I hope the clouds have covered the sky
I hope the world is in grey today
I hope that the earth smells of rain
I hope that you woke up with a smile on your face
I'm sure your smile is beautiful
I can't wait to lose myself in your smile
I hope that you have people who love you
I hope that they make you laugh
I'm sure that your laugh is beautiful 
I hope that you are confident
I hope that you love your body
I'm sure you look perfect
I hope that you love life
I hope that you love your mind
I'm sure you have the most amazing thoughts
I hope that you woke up to the smell of coffee
I hope that you started the day off right
I'm sure that your life is great
Where ever you are, hi
This day is beautiful for both of us
I don't know where you are in the world
What you look like
Who you are
But I know this day is for us
On this day I will remember you
I will remember the boy I've not yet met
I will remember writing this for you
I will remember the music I listened to
I will remember the clothes I wore
I will remember how it felt
On this day I will remember you
Wether I have met you or not
Where ever you are, hi
I hope this day is beautiful 
For both of us

Friday, September 23, 2016

I Remember

I don't remember that night
But I still feel everything you did
I didn't know what to say
But I remember giving it a name
I can't remember what happened
But I know what followed
I don't remember that night
But I remember the pizza I had for dinner
Or the show that was on the TV
I didn't know what to say
But I remember calling you names
I remember the names they called me
I can't remember what happened
But I remember how it felt
To have you breathing down my spine
I don't remember that night
But I remember the way your hands felt on my waist
I didn't know what to say
But I remember being completely quiet
I can't remember what happened
But I remember how it ended
I might not remember that night
But I do remember the bruises on my hips
I remember rushing to the drug store
I remember crying for eight months straight
I remember the voices
I remember the words
I remember the knife and how it felt on my skin
I don't remember that night
But how could I not
That night was carved in history 
A night I would continue to commemorate 
The night when I was taken from me



Thursday, September 22, 2016

Packages

You called me again today
For the first time in two months
You called me so I could hear your voice
So I didn't forget
But I didn't answer the phone
You sent me a picture today
For the first time in two months
You sent me a pictures so I could remember what you looked like
So I looked at the picture
And I felt anxiety
You sent me a text to day
For the first time in two months
You sent me a text so I remember what you talked like
I read the text
But I never responded
You sent me a piece of hope today
Covered in anxiety and doubt
And you placed in an envelope and sent it to me
A first class package headed straight for my doorstep
You sent me a piece of your heart every time we talked
But it was always a package I never wanted
At least not anymore

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Is It Beautiful?

They always made it sound like it was nothing.  They almost made it sound beautiful.  Like it meant nothing to say it.  To them it was nothing more than a word.  An effortless string of sounds put together.  How I envied them sometimes.  It could never be just a word to me.  That string of sounds put together never carried so much weight.  I could never just say that word without feeling an all too familiar pile of bricks being dropped on me.  Those sounds put together could take me back to a place that felt like a hotel bed in the city.  That word smelled like your cologne.  Those sounds looked like a white tee shirt.  They always made it sound like it was nothing.  But it could never be nothing when it held a part of you captive.  They almost made it sound beautiful.  Would it be beautiful if it swallowed you alive? Because that's what it did to me.  Now here I sit, at the bottom of the belly of the beast.  Waiting to be released.  But by all means, please say that word again.  It's not like those sounds put together landed me here or anything.

Monday, September 19, 2016

The Chatter

There was always chatter.  It filled air around me constantly.  I could always hear their voices.  They talked of silly things.  They spoke in silly tones.  And they heard silly things.  I heard the chatter in the silence of a still lake.  When not a pebble could disturb the water.  I heard the chatter in a train station.  When no one knew who was talking.  I heard the chatter in the dull low rumble of a thunder storm.  When the noise sparked the sky to cry.  But mostly I heard the chatter in my head.  And mostly I head your voice.  The chatter always telling me things and contradicting them in the same breath.  The chatter always sounded like you.  Maybe that's why I loved silence.  So I could tune out your voice.  So I couldn't hear the sounds you made.   Because I will always remember the sounds.  And I will always remember the chatter.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Silence

I've listened to the silent seconds pass since six in the morning.  I've seen the sun rise with the birth of a new day. I've heard the birds chirp their first sounds each day.  I've seen the empty land before its over run by people.  I've smelt the first cup of coffee being made.  I've see the first sign of clouds in the sky.  I've felt the heat rise from the earth.  I've stood in the silent seconds of the day.  When people don't talk.  When people move in slow motion.  When everything blends together in one abstract watercolor painting.  I've seen the differences from day to day.  I've taken note of the obvious changes.  I've stood in the silent seconds.  Watching the people pass by.  Only making the human noise.  I've lived in the silent seconds because they were always there, like a constant reminder to breathe.  That nothing can't be fixed with a few deep breaths and a few silent seconds.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Dark Places

In the deep dark places of me 
You will find cobwebs
It will creek when you step on the old floor boards
In the deep dark places
You will find monsters in the closet
The ones with red eyes and sharp teeth
In the deep dark places
You will find people lurking in the corners
Waiting to jump out and scare you
In the deep dark places
It is a cold as ice
No one could ever live there
In the deep dark places of me
There is a haunted house
Where the devil likes to play
There is a musky smell to the air
And the lights flicker on and off
In the deep dark places of me
People don't know what they will find
But every now and then
Someone will dust off the cobwebs
Fix the lights
And see the true beauty of the house
In the deep dark places of me
People don't often reach it
They often stop at the front door

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Smile

You had a smile that felt like the rain.  With each passing second it would hit me again.  You had a smile that smelled like the forest.  Fresh and crisp with a beautiful view.  You had a smile that looked like the fall.  Like freshly fallen leaves and a cool breeze.  You had a smile that reminded me of home.  Like I had seen it a million time before and each time I knew I was safe.  You had a smile that felt like a warm embrace.  It smelled like your cologne and it lingered for just the right amount of time.  You had a smile that looked nothing like the rain.  It was never dreary or down.  It was always as bright as the sun.  You had a smile that took me back to late at night.  When the moon was high above and the clouds had disappeared.  You had a smile that felt like October but looked like July.  Your smile was the brightest star in the night sky.  But the night was always dark.  Maybe that's why I always lost you to the day.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Wandering Eyes

They say they can see it in your eyes.  The way you look at me when I can't see.  When our eyes meet like they have a million times before.  I don't understand.  They say that I'm not alone.  That his eyes follow me across the room.  I don't understand.  When we laugh and dance to songs we all know.  I can see your smile lighting up the world.  I don't understand.  They say they can see it in your eye.  But I've looked a thousand times only to see the blue orbs that swim with the sea.  They say you look at me when I can't see.  But I've looked away a thousand times and you are never looking back at me.

Monday, September 12, 2016

One Look

When sunflowers cry golden rays of life.  I'll be standing by your side.  In a field of tall green grass.  My hair will blow through the wind and you will watch me.  Wondering how lucky you are.  And I will hold your hand.  Knowing that I will never let you go.  Birds will chirp away the sad days.  And butterflies will follow us through the grass.  We wont speak but we will know what each other is thinking.  We will dance in the silence of a field.  When the sky bleeds beautiful blue waterfalls.  I will hold your hand and you will watch me as we both say I love you with just one look.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

I had to say no
I had to force the words out of my mouth
I chocked on them every time
They tasted of you
My lips felt the same as they did that night
I had to say no 
I had to push you away
I couldn't do that before
My arms felt too weak
I had to say no
I had to turn away
His lips felt like yours
They burned on my skin just the same
I had to say no
I hated every moment of it
I chocked on each word
I pushed with weak arms
I had to feel your lips again
I had to say no
You made saying no hard
You made saying no taste like acid
Like cold coffee
Like cigarettes
You made saying no harder than it used to be

Saturday, September 10, 2016

In The Way

Many things stood in their way.  They didn't know it.  They just lived.  oceans and mountains taking up space between them.  Girls with sun kissed skin and blonde hair pulled them apart.  Boys with drinking problems and insecurities knocked them over.  they didn't know it.  They were always a close as strangers.  They only saw each other.  She would smile and laugh looking only at him.  He would sing and dance dedicating these words to her.  Many things stood in their way.  But for that night and the others like it they saw only each other.  Rap music played in the background but all they heard was the beautiful words of songs that no one knew.  Many things stood in their way.  But they were always close enough for an embrace.

Friday, September 9, 2016

Give Me...

Give me months
I want miscommunication
I want endless apologies
Give me your hand
Let me learn the road map to your heart
Let me scare away hidden demons
Give me your laugh
Let me listen to you talk
Let me smile when you smirk at me
Give me coffee dates
I want to know your hobbies
I want to see your quirks
Give me your heart
Watch me cherish it
Watch me never let it break
Give me you
So these feelings I have all make sense
So I can hold you
Give me time
I want your favorite song stuck in my head
I want to feel this and not regret it

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Thirteenth Floor

You'll find me here
On the thirteenth floor
With blaring music
Alcohol coursing through people
Marijuana clouding the air
You'll find me here
Where the bass booms
Beer pong is a national sport
And people ski on slopes of white powder 
You'll find me here
With a beer in my hand
A water in the other
And his cloud looming behind me
Standing tall like the boy with blonde hair
Good music
A beautiful personality
And shining eyes
You'll find me here
On the thirteenth floor

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Boys love Girls

Boys love girls
With no personality
Blonde hair
And stick thin bones
Boys love girls
with no personality
Brown hair
and carmel skin
Boys love girls
Who will never like their music
Who will never want to hear about their day
Who will never care for them
Boys will love girls
Who don't have curly hair
Who aren't pale
Who are me

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Sunday In The Desert

There was country music playing
A girl did her nails
A boy sang to her
The boy siting in the chair
His mind wandered
To the girl down the hall
Who was waiting for someone else
Sunday afternoons
People were quiet
The girls went to parties
They drank liquid to forget their insecurities
The boys watched them leave hoping they would stay
This was Sunday in the desert 
Boy watched the girls leave 
And the girls waited for them to say 'stay'
Neither would happen
So the cycle would continue


Friday, September 2, 2016

This Girl

This girl was hidden
She could be found in the folds of light from the moon
She was the spaces between letters in a book
This girl was hidden
Wrapped up in blankets 
Growing up a wall like vines
The girl was hidden
Under infectious laughter 
In a wide smile
This girl was hidden
You saw her 
But that was never her
This girl was hidden
She looked nothing like her appearance
She meant everything she said
This girl was hidden
No one has found her
Perhaps no one will