Sunday, October 30, 2016

Sunday

3:00pm
Cold coffee in a mug
Music streaming through the headphones
And a silent room around me
This was what Sunday felt like
Sunday was cold room
Wrapped in a blanket
Comfy chairs
Sunday held me close
Like a friend that I hadn't seen in a while
The cold coffee reminded me of a cold winters day
This music took me back to road trips
3:00pm on a Sunday was made for only a few
While the rest slept 
And took comfort in their beds
I took comfort with a book 
In a world I had just traveled to
3:00pm on a Sunday was for movies and popcorn
Or a quite cafe with mood music
I found solace in the quite room
With the music in my head
And these words on this page
And the cold coffee in my mug
3:00pm
Sunday was always the day that gave me hope
Sunday was my day to remember
Sunday was my day
And today 
You felt like Sunday

Friday, October 28, 2016

Blank Pages

I've hovered over these keys for far too long 
My pen leaving the pages clean
I have not left any part of me behind recently
It just seems to strange
The keys on my computer have been defying me
My pen has not been a friend
And my journal has stayed clean for a while
This happened from time to time
The world seemed to fall apart around me
And my writing disappeared
The words on my computer were not my own
They came from me but looked nothing like they should
The clean pages of my journal haunted me
Staring me right in the eye
And even this 
This sad excuse of a poem
This was my lack of creativity on a page
I left it here to hold down the fort
While I search for the ideas that I lost
So for now 
Here is this page of words that disappoint
I'll let my hands hover over the keys for while longer
And I'll stare at a blank page 
And maybe then it wont be so plain anymore

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Part of Me

Part of me wishes you would break my heart.  To remind me that this is why I don't let people in. Not that I have told you anything.  Part of me wished that you would give me a reason to hate you.  So that I wouldn't hate myself for liking you.  Part of me wishes that you would tell me to leave.  So I wouldn't feel guilty walking away.  Turning my head back slightly to see your face once more.  Part of me wishes that you make me cry.  Instead of smile when I hear your name.  So that I could remember how much a name can hurt. Part of me wishes that you never came around.  So that I would know how it felt to be shunned.  Part of me wished that you would hurt me.  Yell at me.  Curse me with every word you know would hurt me.  So that I wasn't ignorant of pain again.  But Part of me also wished that you would hold my hand.  So that I would remember what it felt like to touch another human.  Part of me wished that you would kiss me.  It's been so long.  To remember that compassion still exists.  Part of me wishes that you would love me.  So that I wasn't alone all the time.  So that you could teach me to love again.  Part of me wishes that you would hold me.  To remind me that everything would be okay as long as I was in your arms.  Part of me wishes you would break my heart and part of me wishes that you would fix it.  And somehow both of those parts were in the same place.  Hidden under the dust of past heartache and past love. 

Thursday, October 20, 2016

This Time of Year

The world was weighted on my chest
My heart felt heavy
This time of year was always hard
When your face was on every person that walked by
I flinched a little more this time of year
I cried a little more this time of year
I felt the weight of ten thousand bricks 
And they all landed on me
I carried around more emotional baggage this time of year
People stopped and stared more this time of year
The changing leaves reminded me of dead trees
And the fall breeze that was blowing through my hair
I wore different clothes this time of year
To hide what was really inside
I was paranoid more this time of year
My eyes in the back of my head
Watching who was following me
I was scared more this time of year
Every hand on my shoulder was yours
And the wind on my neck 
It was your breath running down my spine
My heart rate increased this time of year
Palpitations pulsing through everything 
I held my heart a little closer this time of year
Because it was beaten and bruised and rough around the edges
When I saw your face on every person that walked by
I never left the house this time of year
And even there
My clothes felt of you
My room smelled of you
And my home was no longer safe because of you
This time of year haunted like the death
Ticking away the seconds until the break down
Would she survive this time of year again
Or would the beast consumer her
Like it did for the past three years
 

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Reality

I was never based in reality
I always seemed to be living in dreams
Living in worlds created in my mind
Hoping that one day one of them would be real
I never liked reality
Harsh deadlines
Time just ticking away
Reality didn't suit me
I found solace in the imagination
In the made up
My friends had names that I created
Pieces of me in their personalities
I thrived in reality
I found my excellence in the unknown
The worlds I created
I was the ruler and I could change anything with the stroke of a pen
I was never based in reality
Sure you might see me standing in front of you
But my mind was living a different life
Under a different name
With different problems
And different loves
This alternate reality was what I always wanted
But what never seem to come 

Monday, October 17, 2016

Ask Me

Maybe I'll tell you one day.  Perhaps you will get to know.  Maybe one day I'll tell you the inner workings of me.  You could be privy to the secrets that I hid.  You might understand when I cringe at certain words.  Or why I dont like it when people are out of their mind.  You might understand why this time of year the world stops and moves in slow motion.  Perhaps you will ask me to enlighten you one day.  Maybe you will be curious.  Do you want to know why I act the way I do?  Do you want to understand who I am?  Maybe I'll tell you one day.  Maybe one day you will ask.  But until one day comes a secret I will be.  A void of mysteries.  

Friday, October 14, 2016

I've loved you

I've loved you before
I know exactly who you are
I've seen your tricks and your ways
The sly maneuvers that you use
I know the ins and outs of your game
I've mastered you
I wrote the manual on how to read you
I've love you before
Although you take a different shape
This skin is uncharted territory
Your eyes are a new pool of color to look into
Your face, while familiar, is completely unknown
You have different habits
You listen to different songs
I've loved you before
While you are completely different
I know exactly who you are
I've seen people like you
I've been hurt by people like you
I can point people like you out in a crowd
People like you look like and angel
But slither like a snake
You know how to wind people like me up
Get people like me wrapped around your finger
I've loved you before
But you weren't you
You were someone else
The boy with jet black hair 
And a wandering eye
I've loved you before
And I swore I would never do it again

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Petty Games

These petty games of he said she said were all too much for me.  It was not my relationship.  It was never my relationship.  So how the communication if it fell on me was beyond belief.  I don't care what you find to be the truth.  I don't care what he said.  All I care is that I am left out of the middle.  But that was never the case.  Somehow I was always standing in the middle of the battlegrounds.  With all the ammunition surrounding me.  I was the white flag the was waving in the wind.  Begging both armies to please hold their fire.  I was not equipped to fight this war.  However it seemed that I had been enlisted 18 years ago.  Put on the front lines.  Told to shout orders and make decisions.  This was war they were fighting before I joined the force.  Petty games of mixed up twenty year olds turned into the war of child soldiers.  And I was the general of each side and Switzerland at the same time.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Incertitude

Un jour vous vous reveillez et comprendre pourquoi vous avez rencontre.  Cela n'a jamis ete destine a etre compris et meme si c'etait stressant J'ai pris dans ce confort.  Pourquoi ont-ils ete places la ou ils sont.  Ces evenements se sont produits et je ne sais pas pourquoi.  J'ai ete blesse et je ne sais pas comment proceder.  Pourquoi a 3e novembre sur mon corps.  Pourquoi a-t-il ete 3e novembre pour trois ans.  Et n'importe quel autre point dans le temps existent.  Est-ce que je le voir sourire a nouveau?  Ce sont les choses qui planent comme des nauges de pluie au-dessus de ma tete.  Un jour, le ciel s'ouvrir et a dire, ici il est, vous avez attendu assez longtemps.  Il a ete l'incertitude le me tuer.  Sachant que je ne sais pas jusqu'a ce que je sais.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Heartless

They say I'm heartless
They say I'm mean
I've learned to ignore it
It's been happening for years
They say I'm heartless
But yet there I am
Worrying over the sick
Aiding to the poor
Hoping for those who have lost theirs
Giving to those who have taken from me
Loving those who have hurt me
They say I'm mean
But still I cry when they do
I hurt when they do
I suffer as they do
I feel the burden of the human condition
In the same way thy do
They say I'm heartless
They say I'm mean
But this exterior wall
It's only for decoration
It's only for protection
I built it to keep people out
But to keep me in
Now here I stand with a sledgehammer in hand
Waiting to knock that wall down
They say I'm heartless
They say I'm mean
But somehow I think you would be too
If you were me

Friday, October 7, 2016

The Phone Call

I called him today.  I didn't want to talk to him but I called anyway.  This wasn't supposed to end in tears.  But these things always did.  I called him today.  He sounded the same to me.  He sounded like a warm cup of coffee.  I called him today.  I had a problem and maybe he could fix it.  He was normally the one causing my problems.  I called him today.  And he told me that everything wasn't alright.  He told me that he used to try.  I called him today.  I had to explain my life to him.  I told him that I was holding everything together.  I called him today.  And he answered the phone.  He said it was a surprise.  I called him today because he never called me.  I left him a novel on my life and he never called.  He now knew what happened on November 3rd and every day after that.  I called him today and I told him everything he never wanted to hear but everything that he needed to hear.  I called him today.  And for once I walked away with out feeling like a little girl again.  Whose cheek was red and whose eyes were flowing with tears.  I called him today.  I was still afraid.  I am still shaking.  But I called him today and I gained a little confidence.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Unqualified

They said you're too young
That I wouldn't understand these things
That their conversations would not be relevant
As if I knew nothing
As if I was a child
They said you're too young
You don't understand life yet
You've not lived enough
The world has not had time to mold you into anything yet
They said you're too young
You won't understand my reference
You've not see the things I've seen
You've not enjoyed the things I've enjoyed
They said you're too young
You don't know love
You don't know how to value someone else
You couldn't have loved another human yet
They said you're too young
You don't know pain
To have something taken from you
To be hurt in every way possible
To be lost and confused
They said you're too young 
They told me this because they thought they knew my life
The people who don't know at all
I've not told you the things I've seen
I've not told you the things that have happened
The times when I was alone
The times when I was lost
The times when I was in love
The times when I was hurt
They said you're too young
They thought they knew who I was
They had no clue
They said you're too young
And I said
I'm too young to have seen what I have seen 
To done the things I have done
To love the way I have loved
To hurt the way I have hurt
To lived the way I have lived
But I've done it
And I've lived it
And I've survived it
So I may been too young 
But I am not unqualified 

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Music Notes

When I look at you I see music notes
I hear every melody that gave me the chills
I can see the sheet music printed on your tee shirt
I hear the voices that carry a tune
I see you playing the piano in the corner of the room
I hear lyrics that are all too perfect
I see people dancing
In the middle of a ballroom
One spotlight
One couple
And they sway back and forth
Humming this song to each other
When I look into your eyes I can hear that song you showed me
I can almost taste the lyrics
And if by chance our skin meets
I am taken to a concert
In a stadium all alone
And I can hear that song 
The band on the stage is our favorite 
And we sing along to every song
Because we know every lyric
When I look at you I see music notes
I can hear the trumpet playing in my favorite song
When I look at you I hear a woman singing in french
I hear melodies that send chills down my spine
When I look at you every song that I ever loved plays on repeat
I know every lyric to this song
And I can hear it every time I look at you

Monday, October 3, 2016

For You

They always wonder, who?
These words that she wrote
Who were they for
Did this string of syllables belong to her
Did it belong to the boy down the hall
Did it belong to the girl on the street
Did it belong to him
Or did it belong to her
It was the mystery around her
They were all wrong
They would never know who these words were for
Because an artist doesn't reveal their subject
My muse was hidden the bushes far away
The inspiration was a masked figure that followed me around
These words were not meant to be found out
They were there to take away the pain
For them and for me
These words that she wrote 
They were always for someone
And that someone was you

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Dreams

The dreams have started again
I knew it was bad when the dreams started
I could see you 
But I couldn't touch you
I was constantly reaching out to feel you
But you slipped through my fingers every time
In the dreams it was all real
In the dreams I could smell your cologne
In the dreams I could see your smile
In the dreams I could touch your tee shirt
In the dreams I could feel your lips
I knew it was bad when the dreams started 
I knew I was in trouble
In the dreams it was all real
But when I woke in the morning
After the dream you disappeared
I was left with a whole
A question
Was it real
Or had the dreams returned
The dreams gave a false sense of hope
The dreams meant you could see me too
The dreams gave me desire
The dreams caused me pain
The dreams have started again
And I couldn't touch you
But I could see you
So maybe it wasn't a dream

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Silent Tears

You've made me cry
I've always hated the silent tears
The times when you are completely and utterly alone
And there I was in the down poor of rain
Wind sweeping through my hair
And I relied on the wind to dry my tear because I knew you wouldn't
The silent tears were always the worst
When you were in so much pain that noise wasn't possible
All you could feel was your heart
How it ached and how it cried out but no one could hear it
The tears would always over power any noise to be made
I sat in the rain so I could hear the noise the water made
As it hit the ground and created puddles
I found solace in the rain 
I guess its because it reminded me that the sky had to cry too
That I wasn't alone in my ache
That my pain could be taken away by the falling drops
The rain was always a friend
The rain took away the silence of the tears