Friday, November 18, 2016

Lessons

Sometimes I think about what I have put up with.  The names I've been called.  The people who have laughed at me.  The things they have done to me.  The hurt they have caused me.  Sometimes I wonder if it was worth it.  Staying by those people.  Should I have walked away sooner?  Did they deserve my company.  Sometimes I think they needed me.  Like I gave them a lesson to learn.  I think like this because they taught me, in so many ways.  They were some of my best teachers.  But they were also some of my greatest mistakes.  Some taught me compassion through the names that they called me.  Because their lives were harder than mine.  Some taught me respect through the swollen palm mark they left on my face.  Because they new not of peace.  Some taught me forgiveness through arguments we had.  Because communication was always their issue.  Sometimes I think about what I have put up with.  I wonder if I deserved all of it.  The names they called me taught me self worth.  When they laughed they taught me compassion.  The things they did to me taught me forgiveness.  The hurt they caused me showed me that life goes on.  They all tore me down.  Watched as I fell into a black hole.  Now they get to watch me do the impossible.  They get to see me climb out of that hole and make a new life without them.  Sometimes I think about what I have put up with and I wonder how I lived like that for so long.  How the hurt never caught up to me sooner.  How I didn't say something when something needed to be said.  The things they did and the words they said might have tore me down and they might have hindered my happiness but they taught me lessons.  And I never seemed to learn lessons the easy way.  I have had roughness forced upon me in all aspects of life.  And I have overcome it every time.  So when I think about what I have put up with I know that I was all in serves of some lesson.  Sometimes I think about what I have put up with and I resent it but most times I surrender myself to the lesson and I overcome.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Concrete

I found myself on the floor again
Beaten, battered, and bruised
Holding on to anything I could grasp
I was lying 
Back against the concrete
Hoping that someone
Would either help me up
Or run me over
They cut me down like a tree
A piece of nature that could be removed
A vine the climbed the side of buildings
Torn down 
Plucked and pruned
Made into something new
A shape that no one knew
Thats when the rain came
Pouring down on the body lying on the floor
It touched every part of her
It tried to wash away the dust
It only made mud
A dirt that latched onto her
She felt dirty
She felt impure
She felt the rain on her face
And the concrete on her back
Arms open wide
Eyes closed
She waited for the sun
She waited for the snow 
To either dry her
Or cover her
I waited until the night covered the sky
I could see the stars shining 
I could hear the silence
I could hear the human noise the people made
They walked by the girl lying on the floor
They made sure she was breathing
Then they kept on walking
The slightest heartbeat
And breath coming from her lips
And they left her
Lying on the concrete
With her heart beating out of her chest
The rain falling on her face
And the stars shining down on her
She stayed like that for too long
She picked herself up
Dusted herself off
Put a smile on her face
And walked on with all the other people 

Friday, November 4, 2016

A Gift

Here it's a gift for you
I grew it myself
It has been nurtured by me
I've tended to it well
But he planted the seed
Here it's a gift for you
I've protected it well
Kept it as safe as can be
But others have cut it down
So I built walls
And barriers
To keep them out
So that they wouldn't hurt it
But they just knocked down those walls
And cut down the tree
Here it's a gift for you
I watered it every day
Made sure it saw the sun
And let it dance in the rain
Here it's a gift for you
I hope you keep it safe
Let it be wild and free
But hold it close
So it wont run away
Here it's a gift for you
It's quite rare
Very little have had it
And non have kept it
Here it's a gift for you
If you choose to accept
Let it fill your heart
And love it at its best
But most of all
Love it at its worst
Because its not always pretty 
But it will always be yours
Here it's a gift for you
I grew it myself
Kept it safe
And let it live
Here it's a gift for you
And its the heart in my chest

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Today

I can't do this today
Nothing went right today
I can't breath today
The world stopped spinning today
The air got thicker today
The sun didn't shine today
I wanted to stay home today
Shouldn't have gotten out of bed today
Held my mother a little closer today
Cried a little less today
Watch the sun never rise today
Hold his hand a little more today
It smelled of lavender a little more today
Watched the clock all day today
Had a countdown all day today
Wished it wasn't today
Hoped it wasn't today
It was today
Today
I can't do this today
Everything hurt today
Nothing worked today
I was tired today
This day was today
It came around every year today
And today
It was hard today
And today
sometimes felt like everyday
But today
Would be over
Then it would no longer be today
So maybe I can get through today
But today could only be
Just today

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Broken Heart or Broken Girl

This was more than just a case of a broken heart.  This was the story of a girl with a broken mind.  She was not just eighteen.  Bright eyed and hoping for a miracle.  She didn't wear flower crowns and dance in a field.  She didn't sing songs about love.  She was looking eighteen yet acting twenty.  Dark eyes and stopped believing in miracles.  She wore black and danced in night clubs.  She listened to songs that reminded her of truth.  She was not young and naive.  She had a grasp on reality.  She did not pretend to be ignorant.  She left young and naive at home so she could work.  She saw reality in too many lights.  She knew ignorance was not bliss so she was never blissful.  She could not harm others.  She hoped that things would turn out alright.  She knew how to stand up for herself.  She knew she would survive without a happy ending.  This was never the story of a broken heart.  This was the story of a broken girl.  Who used to dance in fields with flowers and sing songs that sounded of love.  The girl who now sat in dark rooms and listened to music to set the mood.  So the next time you think this is a case of young love gone wrong; look again because you might find the girl who saw the truth.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Stitched Together

Maybe if I put these words down
You will hear
The desperation in my voice
Maybe you will notice that I'm tired
Perhaps you could understand
I am trying to piece myself back together
And I never expect you to sympathize
This has never happened to you
I've had to stitch myself back together 
It has been taking years
Maybe if I put these words down 
You will hear
The hurt in my voice
When I feel small 
And unimportant 
I've found pieces of me on subway tracks
And between the sheets of my bed
I've found them in places they never should have been
Maybe if I put these words down
You will hear
The anxiety in my voice
The shaky tone I have when I speak
Or the laugh that covers the tears
I've cried in cities I don't know
In rooms that are not my own
Maybe if I put these words down
I will be okay
The desperation, the hurt, and the anxiety
Will fade away
Maybe I will be able to find the pieces of me
Stitch them back together
Maybe I will resemble myself
But you have to hear my voice first
You have to understand my needs
Maybe if I put these words down 
You will hear
And maybe you will listen
But mostly
Maybe if I put these words down
I will find other pieces of me
That have gone missing 
Waiting to be stitched together again
And maybe this is the new me
Pieces missing
Stitched together
Hoping to somewhat resemble a person
Who used to look like me